Today my younger sister calls me to tell me the guy she is dating happened to hooked up with her friend (so-called BFF) about 7 years ago. Yes even though I am in my thirties, with kids, a job, and my own issues I still manage to get caught up in the drama of the 20 something crowd. Not by choice however only by default. So anyways she goes on and on to tell me all the tangled drama of she did this and she did that and OMG I can't believe she said this. I won't even bore you with the details. But one juicy tidbit is her BFF is married (for five years) with 3 kids so in my opinion why the hell would she care if her friend is dating someone she hooked up with 7 years ago. But whatever I can't control what other people do.
Then my sister says to me "You never have this kind of drama". You know why? Because I deleted all my toxic friends from my life years ago and I am very picky on who my friends are now. And when I say deleted I am not talking about delete from facebook. I am talking full fledged delete. Meaning stop hanging out and talking to the person FOREVER! My time is very limited now so if the person I choose to hang out with does not make me laugh and just brings issues and drama...buh bye! I only surround myself with quality true friends. Between my divas, hubby, and work that is all I have time for anyway. And it has made my life so much better.
So I advised her as I will you if you have a person in your life that brings you nothing but drama, issues, and headaches just break up with them, delete them, kick them to the curb, whatever but just do it. It may be hard at first but believe me you will thank me later. Now if this person is family that is another story for another post. I know that is a bit harder to do.
Some signs that it is time for your friend to go:
- You make up excuses not to hang out.
- You get annoyed or anxiety when you see a text or call from them.
- You are always talking and complaining about them.
- You argue more with them than your own husband/significant other/person your "sleeping" with/etc
This list could go on but really if you said yes to just one of them you really need to rethink your friendship. Or maybe your the toxic friend...just saying. Hey in order for us to work it girls we need to dig deep and get to the real issues. But anyways for sake of argument lets say your not the toxic friend but the one needing to get rid of one. So how do you get rid of a toxic friend? Now is a question I need to think more about. But let's put it out there.
What do you all think? Do think it is beneficial to remove toxic friends from your life? And if so how would you go about giving them the boot?
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I’m with you, get rid if the toxic friends. They’ll only make your life miserable.
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YES! I totally agree with you!
Been there, done that. People who don’t have time to be in contact and every time they do it starts ‘I’m so sorry…..next time/next year’ etc. Had enough of that bullshit. You have always one minute to call/sms/email to ask ‘How’re you? Miss you’ or similar.
YES, get rid if the toxic friends!!!
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This Mama Works It! Reply:
January 8th, 2010 at 7:44 am
I agree with this one as well. I have a friend who used to be a BFF back in college. Well we just grew apart. I had kids and she didn’t. We ended up with separate lives and nothing to talk about. I really wanted to keep in touch but it just was not priority for her. So I was like OK that’s fine I am not going to beg someone to be my friend. I just accepted it and moved on. Of course it hurt but what am I suppose to do? ya know? I can’t change people.
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YES! Toxic people may not realize it, but they can be like life force suckers. It shouldn’t be painful, stressful, or exhausting to have someone for a friend. I had to step back from one like that last year. We were casual friends (not BFFs) and her life has done a major downward spiral over the last fews year. She always pushed me to “get together and have lunch”. Then I began to realize why. She just needed a dumping grounds (me). It would be an hour of me, me, me,my, my DRAMA. Never once did she ask about me or my family. I quietly stepped back from that one!
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This Mama Works It! Reply:
January 8th, 2010 at 7:42 am
I totally relate to this one! Sometimes people do just want a dumping ground (I like that analogy) and obviously if you don’t have time or energy for that (and really who does) I agree just step away. Mommies do not need anymore stress or to worry about anyone else? We have enough to worry about.
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The toxicity in relationships reminds me of spam on the Internet. I just deleted some this morning! SITS sent me by, and I’m glad they did…
Gift Basket
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This Mama Works It! Reply:
January 8th, 2010 at 7:35 am
hahaha yes totally like spam! Thanks for stopping by!
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Totally! I had to do this recently. My life has been drama-free since!
…stopping by from SITS…
Steph @ Stick It in the Fridge
pleasestickitinthefridge.blogspot.com
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THANK YOU!
for supporting me in my struggle for achieving justice for my rights to my pictures. RESPECT!
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Fantastic! Thanks for your words as I need them today.
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I’m doing my best to delete a “friend” right now! It’s totally necessary sometimes. And really, who has the time to deal with crummy friends?!
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I see it like this: Evolve energetically & spiritually, is kind of walking in the Guggenheim. You go up a spiral form, whereby people, things, issues, situations, are revisited, but somehow your perspective toward them changes, till one day, they go out of site. They are energetically not of interest any longer as you can no longer learn from them.
The expression ‘People dragging you down’ can be taken quite literal: they want to take you back down on your spiral, even though you know the only way is up.
Just send them kindness and compassion, and yes, for sure, do let them go, in the most loving way you can muster. There is no need to struggle with them, make them wrong, or whatever. Just think of it that they are not ready yet to go up that spiral with you.
However, think of it, have you had people revisit you from the past? well, sometimes others catch up, and even if we let people go for now because we progress at different levels, it does not even have to be a permanent goodbye.
But while you say goodbye to them (in your mind) for now, rest assured, that the second that you do this, new people, of a higher energetic vibration, will flood into your life. Or at least one… One might be enough…
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I had to do this recently. Tried to do it be ignoring and then finally had to set some firm boundaries. We are still civil but she is no longer overwhelming me like she did before.
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110% agree about Toxic Friends! Mine have just sort-of all fallen off the face of the earth, after having my 1st daughter.
Now, my little sister on the other hand can’t seem to get rid of them, or she will for a little and then they are BFF’s again, don’t get it. But it’s something she has to learn, as I’ve tried giving advice to no avail.
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last year was my year of purging toxic people. Family included.
Enjoy your saturday. stopping in from sits
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I just did this recently and as hard as it was, since she was my best friend and somewhat like a sister, it was worth it. Now there is little to no drama in my life and it feels so much more free. No more living under someone else’s thumb. Like a huge weight lifted off of my life.
Great post!
Stopping by from SITS Saturday Sharefest!
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I think that is FANTASTIC advise!!!
I ended up cutting most of my friends out of my life and I am sorry to report that I AM MUCH HAPPIER!
I don’t want drama in my life!!!
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This Mama Works It! Reply:
January 10th, 2010 at 9:30 pm
Thanks! I think this is a great step moms can take to reduce at least some of the necessary stress in their lives. I mean with toxic friends who the heck needs enemy’s…
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What a great post, it’s all so very true. And, Astrid, your imagery is beautiful and dead-on.
For me, sometimes the difficulty is the guilt of not being there for someone who is in need….even when I know I must let them go. This imagery is so freeing. We *are* in different places now. Maybe she’ll catch up one day.
Bliss to you, and hugs and butterflies,
~T~
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I’ve been doing a lot of this lately. I used to try so hard, and think why me? What did I do? I’m not realizing, sometimes you just outgrow each other and have nothing in common anymore.
Several people in my life are blaming my kid as an excuse, umm he’s almost 5, this is nothing new. Really, it’s because I’m not kissing their butts anymore. Sometimes less friends is better. My circle is getting smaller, the older I get.
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I totally agree with this post! I used to have all this drama in my life and at one point I decided that I just didn’t need it! What’s the point of having a friend that always brings drama?? It shouldn’t be so hard! My husband used to call those friends my “girlfriends” as in literal girlfriends cause I had to coddle them and make them feel good.lol..I mean I already have a spouse that needs that! So now I keep people in my life that make me feel happy to be around htem, and happy to be their friend. No more drama here! (well normally)
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This Mama Works It! Reply:
January 11th, 2010 at 12:17 pm
Well said girl!! I can not stand the drama making friends. Your hubby is right it is like have a real girlfriend when they need so much attention and coddling. Thanks for stopping by!
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Great article! A few years ago my husband hired a guy he was friends with but lost touch with. After he hired him I met his wife and she and I became instant friends. We hung out for about year…..until my husband changed jobs and he was no longer his friend’s boss. Guess what? My so-called friend dropped me. I was so upset for months. I even confronted her about it and she completely denies it. We have mutual friends so I do see her and sometimes she says Hi and sometimes she ignores me. I’ve finally reached a point of peace with it….and I feel very sorry for her! Of course my husband owns his own business now and hers is still a loser LOL!
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Found you through Scary Mommy… loved this post. It is so true!!
For the new year I have vowed to only surround myself with positive people and focus on happiness!
And PS- that friend of your sisters has issues if shes married w 3 kids and cant get over an ex from 7 yrs ago!
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Okay, so I am so late to the ball on this one… Something I realized lately is one of the reasons I kept some of my toxic friendships for so long is I didn’t want to hurt their feelings by ending the friendship. The thing is, toxic people do not care about YOUR feelings. Now, I’m not going to follow that with, “Since they don’t care about you,why care about them?” Non-toxic people DO care because we do think about people besides ourselves and do have empathy and sympathy and DON’T want to do the same garbage onto others.
BUT…at the same time we don’t need to put up with this. Yes, you are going to hurt or even anger the other person by ending the friendship, especially if they don’t take the fact that you don’t return phone calls and such as a hint and keep pursuing you. And the toxic person may not even behave maturely after you break off contact. I just had to do this recently, and the person sent nasty emails to me AND my husband and posted rude comments on my blog. Her actions only confirmed that I had made the right decision to end the relationship rather than hurt me, which is what I think she hoped to do.
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Say it again, please.
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Great post! I like seeing someone with a backbone to stand up to “friends” who behave badly. My former BFF, who actually broke off the friendship with me initially (because I didn’t call her for 1 week), is the supreme drama queen. I was relieved when she didn’t want to hang around me anymore, but I was not excited about all the lies she spread about me and my fiancee in our small town. But I’ll take that anyday compared to the manipulating/controlling/narcissistic behavior of my former BFF who ALWAYS wanted me around her & god forbid, I have something in my life that’s important because I would quickly be told what a waste of time it was or she would try to usurp any kind of recognition she could from it. O & did I tell you that, Leann Rimes stole my former BFF’s recording contract??!! Yes, you read that right…grandiose fantasies! The last 2 years of our friendship (we were only friends for 3 years), I threw up almost everyday from complications with a stomach ulcer. Once she was gone so were my problems with my ulcer! Coincidence?? I think not! So when she came crawling back to be my friend after she ran my name through the dirt, I had no problem telling her to “f*** off”. She STILL tries to contact me but I’m no fool, she’s just gotten better at her game as she’s aged and I still want nothing to do with her. Good riddance!
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