This weekend was a big weekend. It was my diva1's 5th birthday!!! Very exciting and hubby and I went totally overboard. We haven't had a big birthday party for her since she was 1 so we thought we would throw her a nice party for her 5th birthday.
Now I know I have been talking a lot about saving money and paying off debt....but...we made these birthday plans before we went on the Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover Plan. Not sure what I am talking about because maybe you are new here then check out this post oh and this one. But I am proud to say that we paid for everything with cold hard cash baby!!
Anyway I am going off topic here...
The point of this post is for me to rant or talk about what to do when a family member just drives you freakin nutty. And let me tell you I have one of those. Well actually she is not exactly my family she is on my hubby's side. Which makes it harder because I have to bite my tongue a lot more than I would if she were in my family.
How do I describe her??? Well to put it frankly she is a shit disturber. She loves and lives for meddling into peoples business and stirring up trouble.
I don't know why some people are like this or how some people even find the time to act this way but she does. And honestly if she was just a friend I would have ditched her a long time ago. But again she is "family" so I have to at least try to put up with her.
Ok here is the situation at hand. I will try to be brief. And this is just one situation I have many more....
Like I said Diva1's birthday party was this weekend. We had it at one of those bounce house places. Yes it was expensive and I was totally stressed about it but in the end it was so worth it. We decided to invite all the kids from her preschool and their parents. Then we invited our parents, siblings, and some aunts that live close by. We did not invited everyone in our family because honestly there would have been 200 people there and come on that is just crazy. Well anyway one of the people we did not invite was his aunt who lives 2 hours away. She does not have little kids and is going through major money issues right now so we did not want to put her out. And we also did not invite one of my aunts who lives two hours away.
It was primarily a kids party and that was who we invited...
So here I am running around like a crazy person organizing 30 kids into their seats for food, cake, and presents. Let me tell you my waitress skills were coming in handy then.
You all would have been proud! I felt like super mommy!
Ok the incident. My husband has the video camera out ready to take video of all her little friends singing happy birthday. As soon as they start this is what happens:
Crazy Cousin: "Why did you not invite Aunt Blank to the party"
My hubby: "Uh I don't know I guess we just were planning on it just being primarily a kids party"
Cousin: "Well I invited her to my son's party"
My hubby just shrugs his shoulders and then goes to video tape the birthday song but it is over. UGH!!!!
Now at the time I did not know any of this was happening because I was busy being super mommy.
It was like she waited for that exact time to cause a confrontation. And this is not the first time something like this has happened. She is always trying to cause problem between people in the family.
Hubby and I feel very strongly about only having positive people surround us. In fact I talk a lot on this blog about removing toxic people from our lives, But when it is a family member what is one to do.
Well did I mention that my hubby is a genius communicator? One of his many talents.
Well when we got home he immediately called the aunt that crazy cousin said felt left out. And surprise surprise she never said anything of the sort to crazy cousin. And then both hubby and aunt confronted crazy cousin and told her that her behavior was inappropriate. Of course crazy cousin said she is sorry but we will see if she ever changes...I doubt it.
But this is how we (hubby and I) deal with toxic people we have to have relationships with:
- Address all issues immediately. Do not wait for issues to build up. Bring it to their attention right away.
- Be firm but not too aggressive. Tell them how you feel with out yelling, blaming, or name calling. I have found that people have much more respect for what I am saying when I am speaking respectfully.
- Even though we may not be able to delete them completely from our lives we don't have to be best friends with them either. So we limit the time we have to spend with them.
And honestly this has really helped us deal with this situation and this person overall. I expect something like this will happen again at some point. If not with her then with someone else. But I always try to remember I can not control other people I can only control myself.
So what are your thoughts? How do you deal with a family member who just drives you crazy? Any tips to add?
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Counseling. My parents are (clinically) unhealthy to be around and so I cope with reaching out for help. ****And, zoloft.
I like your direct approach. Good for you. This tactic only gave my mother the ammunition she was looking for. So, I’ve moved on.
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Thanks for your feedback. I try to be direct with people because I don’t like the elephant in the room scenario…ya know. Where we all know there is an issue but no one talks about it. I guess I always figure I am not going to be the one who just ignores it. SO I do my best to try and if it still doesn’t work then at least I tried.
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My Mother-in-Law pretty much makes me want to slit my wrists every time I see her. I basically handle it by taking a deep breath and remembering that I love my husband so I have to put up with her for his sake. His whole family is totally weird though!
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@themommyologist oh how I understand!
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I think what you do depends on the toxicity level. I have toxic parents. Spent a miserable childhood with them, then spent fifteen years trying to please them, appease them, and putting up with them because they were “family” and you have to love/accept/put up with your family, right? Well, eventually, for me, the answer was “wrong.” I haven’t spoken to my parents in years…and every year I just realize I should have cut them out of my life years ago. Some people their behavior is frustrating but you can ignore it, for others you have to draw boundaries and stick to them, for some you have to confront them…and for others you just need to remove them from your life and *not* let the fact that you share DNA permit abuse, put-downs, harassment, etc. I think what you do with toxic people is situational.
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This Mama Works It! Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:06 am
Thanks for your insight Michele! Well said.
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What a great post! I can totally relate. I have “Toxic” people in my in-laws and some of our “friends” are that way, too. BTW, I found your blog through The Professional Family Manager’s blog, and am now looking forward to following you, too!
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This Mama Works It! Reply:
February 2nd, 2010 at 7:53 pm
@Melissa A. Thanks for stopping by and following!
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Those people live in hubby’s family. I have to smile and be nice.
It has taken him 25 years to realize that they’re nuts.
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Hi!
Thanks for adding me on your list! Done the same!
I love the wittiness of your writings. So glad I found someone I can relate to (ha!) In laws are pain in the a$$! Big time…I am just so glad I don’t carry their blood. Sometimes, tehy just have to ruin your day, huh?
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This Mama Works It! Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:02 am
It is funny how many moms can relate to this topic. I guess we are all in the same boat sometimes!
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