I have off from work Thursday afternoons and Fridays so I usually try to take my divas to one of those play areas with bounces house, jungle gyms, etc. They love it and it keeps them from killing each other during the day.
Plus I like it too because I get to meet up with my rockin SAHM peeps. And if I am lucky I may get to meet some more. And since I have started blogging I never realized how much "material" I would come across at these places.
Well anyway I met a really great SAHM yesterday. In fact she was probably one of the nicest people I have ever met. As the kids were playing nicely we began talking about our kids and parenting. We had so much in common. All of our kids were 4-6 weeks early, late walkers, and we had trouble breast feeding our first but our second latched right on. It was crazy how much we had in common. Then of course we started talking about how parenting is NOTHING like it reads in all the books. I mean you get a glimpse at what to expect but you really have no idea until you are ankle deep in baby poop and a total zombie from sleep exhaustion.
And come to find out we had friends in common as well. She went to graduate school with mutal friends. Weird right? So we started talking about graduate school. I told her what I went to school for and what I do for a living. And she told me what she went to school for. She said that she is a license marriage and family counselor. And then she giggled and said "I would make such a better counselor now that I actually have kids". She talked about how she gave all the advice that she learned about but it wasn't until she actually had kids that she truly understood parenting....motherhood.
And I totally agreed with her. So we just laughed on how much we "thought" we knew back then and how wrong we were.
And since I have been reading all the lovely mommy blogs out there I am starting to see this as a common theme among all of us. Like WTF that "fill in the blank" was not in the baby book.
Now I don't mean to bash non-parents for giving parenting advice because looking back before I had kids I am sure I did as well. But after my conversation with my new friend (hahah don't I sound like a kid) it got me thinking on the ride home. I started thinking about when I had my first diva and I felt so much pressure from everyone about everything. And looking back non-parents were some of the worst with the high expectations. Now I didn't feel pressure with diva2 because honestly by the time I had her I was really confident in my decisions as a parent so even if people made comments I really could have cared less.
But I remember specifically when I was trying to breastfeed diva1. The entire time I was pregnant all I wanted was to breastfeed. And to be honest bottle feeding did not even cross my mind. So when I started to really struggle with breastfeeding I got stressed. Like mental breakdown stressed. And when should would not latch on I actually pumped for 4 months because I wanted diva1 to get breast milk. I will never forget when a non-parent who happened to be a guy said to me. "If you wanted to breastfeed bad enough you would. How hard could it be?" What!?! I losted it! I was so upset. Because I did want it bad. More than anything. I brought in specialists and I feel I tried my hardest. So when I failed at breastfeeding that is what I felt like...a failure.
Diva2 was a totally different story. She latched right on. But I think one of the reasons for that is because I did not put any pressure on myself. And I told everyone if you feel the need to put any pressure on me about breastfeeding don't even bother coming over.
Another example was with working. Up until the moment I had children I never in a million years even thought about being a SAHM. For no other reason than it just did not cross my mind. I wish it did though because I would have made a lot of different decisions to set my life up to be home with my girls. Well again when diva1 came my life change. My priorities change. And I wanted to be home bad. I tried everything. But it just couldn't work. I was borderline depressed about it because again I felt like a failure. And again I had non-parents say to me "If you want it bad enough you can do it". What!?! Are they saying I don't want to be with my kids. I would get so sad because I knew my situation and I knew how bad I wanted it. And I knew how hard I was trying everyday and night to make it work....but it didn't.
But then like the breastfeeding I became very confident in my decisions.
I do the best I can everyday. Just like all moms do. Being a mom is hard work. Definetly the hardest job one could ever have. And what people need to realize is that when you put uneccassary pressure on a mom it does nothing but hurt her.
So my words of wisdom to non-parents or anyone else who feels the need to judge moms. Give moms a break. In fact try this one on for size. Next time you feel like making a general statement about whatever it is you think a mom or parent "should" be like or "should" strive for think this:
That mom is a great mom who wants nothing more than the best for her children and I know she is doing the best she can!
Then just worry about something else....say yourself.
So what are your thoughts? Do you feel a non-parent should be advising parents on parenting? Have any of your own stories? Looking forward to hearing them.
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Yes, buuuuut….lol
I’m not a mom (yet) but that being said, I don’t necessarily think that any advice I have to offer is automatically worthless. I’m a nurse, I’ve studied developmental psychology, and often have the perspective of an outsider looking in. Just because I don’t have kids doesn’t mean that I have no perspective.
But I will say I do not make a practice of offering parenting advice to a parent. It irritates me when people who have no medical background offer ‘advice’, and I’m sure its the same for parents.
Being a mom is the hardest job. But I don’t really know how was i living before my son. Following you from Friday Follow. Have a great weekend!
Hi, Friday following you. I had similar thoughts in a previous post .
Come visit me at Mom-et-al.com
-Maria
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Being a mom is the hardest job you (we) will ever have. Aren’t we so quick ,before we have kids, to judge the woman in the grocery store with the screaming toddler? Now we feel bad for her, because we have all been there. All we can do is the best that we can , and hopefully that’s enough. I believe strongly in mother’s instinct. We know what’s best for our kids.
BTW-here following you from Friday Follow, hope to see you at my blog soon……
I don’t think anyone will stop nonparents from “knowing best” how to parent. It seems so easy when viewed from the luxury of not being in the trenches doing it every minute of every day – you know, where it’s completely exhausting, confusing and sometimes downright terrifying. I, for example, was the best mom ever before I had kids. I would look around at the kids in church and know EXACTLY how to make them behave in church. Then I had my own and now, almost 8 years later, my Oldest is JUST NOW STARTING to behave the whole mass.
Hi! I found you on MBC and SITS! I really enjoyed your post! I can totally relate. I was a teacher for 9 years prior to becoming a mom. When I was fresh out of college, my first job was as a middle school music teacher. Talk about surprise when all these parents kept coming to ME for advice on how to parent their kids! I had no idea! Now I can look back and see what an idiot I sounded like! Haha!
I plan to go back to teaching after our kids are at least all in school at some point. I know I will be a MUCH better teacher after having the privilege of being a mom!
(oh – I hear you on the breastfeeding issues! My supply tanked and it took 5 months to realize my thyroid had gone nuts! I had to supplement 20 oz/day and was severely anxious and depressed until the docs discovered the problem. Breastfeeding easy? You’ve got to be kidding me!)
Beautifully said.
I silently judged many mothers with picky eaters with my first child. God gave me the pickiest of all as a second child! Taught me a great lesson.
Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest! I’m not a mom and I do try really hard not to give advice, but in some situations it’s hard to keep my mouth shut. Like when my former assistant whose daughters were 2 and 4 would come to work exhausted and talk about how she couldn’t wait until they were in school so they would sleep through the night.
Or when we’re out in a large group waiting to be seated in a restaurant and someone lets their child run around outside in the parking lot. My non-mommy brain thinks that would be really dangerous.
Uh no…..I definately don’t think a non parent should be sticking their nose in something they have no experience in. Some people just think they know it all.
My perspective may be a little different. I am a child and family therapist, so pre-baby, it was MY JOB to talk about parenting. In my defense though, I will say I stuck to my research and my knowledge base and I ALWAYS let parents know that there was no “right” way to parent and we journeyed together to create the best way for their family. I will say that becoming a parent has softened me a bit and created a totally different view. I still have to talk parenting, especially as it pertains to what is developmentally appropriate for a child, but now I have a different foundation. I’ve discovered that ALL parents, yes, even the ones we think are awful monsters want what is best for their child. I have worked with abusive parents who TRULY believe that they NEED to do what they are doing to help their child be a good person, be successful…etc. It sounds crazy but I have just become more understanding (that isn’t to say I condone it.) As for others giving me advice without kids? If they are a trained professional in an area I am asking about (health concerns or education, etc.) then I am ok with that. But Suzy Sunshine with no kids and a degree in French better not open her trap….I’m just saying.
I don’t have kids so my advice is not often given.
However, because of how uninvolved my parents were in my life I will give advice on how that can effect a kid if I see my friends treating their kids the same way I was treated.
Of course I never give it in a “I know more than you do” way but a “you don’t want your kids to go through what I did” way.
Sometimes I see parents so wrapped in their kids that they don’t see things and it can take an outsider to point things out but I’m sorry people were being judgmental towards you. That’s not a good way to get your point across.
Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest
I completely agree. I think it is a different situation with helpful tips or tidbits, such as “frozen washcloths might be able to help with teething” instead of, “you should/should not let your child do this that or the other thing because I Know so.” I agree with that point completely!
Hope you’re having a great Saturday!
Good post! I really think it applies to almost everything in life. I have been posting about being stressed about people giving me TTC advice..especially from people that got pg easily….Everything is easier said than done and sometimes people just need to shut their mouths unless asked! That breastfeeding story sounds familiar because it happened to my friend. She went through the same thing as you. It breaks my heart b/c she wanted it so bad. What that man said to you was horrible…I would say it falls in teh same category as when people tell me I need to “relax” adn I will get pregnant…
Speaking as a non-parent here. I can understand the frustration of having someone tell you something or offer advice about something they themselves have no personal experience in.
But don’t you think that you might be guilty of the same thing? Just because these people don’t have kids yet, doesnt mean their advice in of no worth. Just as you don;t want to be judged by them, you should follow suit and not judge them in return.
This may sound like a rant, but I have several friends who have children. Guess what the topic of converstation usually is. Kids. That is not a judgement..because despite what alot of parents feel, non parents really do somewhat understand how all ecompassing raising a child is. They may not truely understand the way you, as parents do…but on the same token… they may not be total idiots either. I made it a point to stop being annoyed that almost every converstation revolved around kids and parenting and join in and take an interest in their and their kids lives. Sometimes I offer advice…sometimes not. But the point it, dont be so quick to dismiss a non parents perspectives or take their advice as them judging you.
I have no problem with (non)parents giving advice, but it’s when they give the advice of dicipline that makes me angry. Until you have walked a day in my shoes with a 7 and 8 year old boys dont tell me not to yell at them.
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